


Fantasy Football - Season 2

by ikkiM



Series: Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy Football League Commissioner [10]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fantasy Football, Gen, Pure Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-24 17:06:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4927957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season 2 of The Iron Throne Fantasy Football League. This begins the Sunday of Week Four of the NFL season, October 4, 2015.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Week 4, Sunday

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The Fans at JaimexBrienne.com](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Fans+at+JaimexBrienne.com).



> I got this prompt on AO3: "JB Week fic prompt: I will let you go Night King on my first born child if you would please, please please continue your fantasy football fic. PLEASE!"
> 
> Initially, I was all NO NO NO NO FUCK NO but then it kind of grew on me and...this is really cut down version of the prior installments. The only characters with a real story are Jaime and Brienne. Seven days. Seven chapters. See the bottom notes for a refresher on character IDs.

Kingslayer: No.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Kingslayer: No.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Kingslayer: Sam agrees with me.  
iluvgilly: i do?  
WarriorMaiden: No, he does not. Sam’s with me on this issue.  
iluvgilly: …  
Kinglsayer: Sam, tell her.  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah, Sam, tell Jaime I’m right and he’s wrong.  
iluvgilly: if u never agree, how r u every going2 get married?  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: This disagreement is exactly about that!  
iluvgilly: i g2g

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: See. Sam thinks both of those surprise weddings were great ideas.  
WarriorMaiden: Right. Because I want to have a wedding/Super Bowl party, complete with beer can cup holder helmets and foam fingers.  
Kingslayer: I admit, the first surprise wedding wasn’t well-planned. I should have anticipated Theon and Ramsay asshattery, but the second surprise wedding was perfect.  
WarriorMaiden: Perfect for YOU. You were wearing a tux.  
Kingslayer: I told you to wear something special!  
WarriorMaiden: I was!  
WarriorMaiden: Just...uhmm...under my regular clothes..  
Kingslayer: ...damn. 

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Theon alert.  
WarriorMaiden: And tits on tits with tits and then some tits.  
Kingslayer: Not to mention boobs and breasts and hooters and jubblies and chesticles.  
WarriorMaiden: Funbags and bazombas and heaving alabaster bosoms.  
SharkReek: fuckin’ A, u2 have ruint sayin boobs!  
SharkReek: FUCK

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Back on topic.Those surprise weddings were great.  
WarriorMaiden: They were surprise wedding attempts, not actual weddings because we did not actually get married.  
Kingslayer: Yet.  
WarriorMaiden: And the second one, honestly Jaime, did you think I wanted to get married at the fantasy football draft? Really? I mean, say our vows and then draft our teams?  
Kingslayer: It was totally romantic because it was our one year sexiversary.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: It was exactly a year since we first had sex. I wanted to commemorate the day.  
WarriorMaiden: By surprising me with a wedding?  
Kingslayer: Yes!  
WarriorMaiden: Terrible idea.  
Kingslayer: You’re going to marry me.  
WarriorMaiden: Not if you don’t slow your roll and let me do it in my own time.  
Kingslayer: Slow my roll? If I remember correctly, wench, you like how I roll.  
WarriorMaiden: Not that kind of roll. It’s slang. I have been talking to Arya.  
Kingslayer: Still don’t regret it.  
WarriorMaiden: I was angry at you for like a week.  
Kingslayer: But the angry sex was amazing. You got all bossy and did that thing.  
WarriorMaiden: We do not discuss that thing, EVER.

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Is someone discussing sexual teasing and light bondage?  
Kingslayer: Yes.  
WarriorMaiden: NO!  
SexViper: Ellaria and I prefer leather cuffs to hard, uncomfortable metal which can cause bruising. Perhaps you should come to Dorne and we can teach you, all four of us, together.  
Kingslayer: Seven FUCKING Hells, Martell, how many times do I have to pound your weak ass into the dirt before you learn that you will never, ever see Brienne naked, nor will you ever, EVER touch her.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods.  
SexViper: Jaime, Jaime, relax my friend.  
WarriorMaiden: You know how he gets, Oberyn. Tell Ell I said Hi.  
SexViper: Goddess Brienne, I will be here for you when you get bored of the Lanneester.  
Kingslayer: She will never get bored with me!

[SexViper has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: You won’t get bored with me, will you?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
WarriorMaiden: Those surprise weddings were terrible ideas.  
Kingslayer: Were not.

[YoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: You should be less controlling and pushy.  
Kingslayer: You drive me crazy.  
YoungWolf: u2 breakin up?  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: We are NOT breaking up.  
YoungWolf: sam said u were  
WarriorMaiden: Robb, why do you believe things Sam says?  
YoungWolf: good pt  
WarriorMaiden: How are Jeyne and the baby?  
YoungWolf: brandon is great! hes got red hair!  
Kingslayer: Poor kid, cursed with not only being a Stark, but a Tully ginger as well. Poor kid will always lose at fantasy football.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, that’s not nice.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m sure he’s adorable, Robb.  
YoungWolf: havin a kid means litle time for FF, team is sucking this year  
Kingslayer: Color me surprised.  
YoungWolf: FUCK, receiver hurt, gotta check waiver wire

[YoungWolf has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: So…  
Kingslayer: What are you wearing?  
WarriorMaiden: Gods Jaime!  
WarriorMaiden: We are sitting in a sports bar next to each other watching the games.  
Kingslayer: Yeah, but I can’t see your panties. Are you wearing those red silky ones?  
WarriorMaiden: You know I am. You watched me put them on this morning.

[IKnowALittleSomething has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: So fucking sexy. I should have taken video.  
IKnowALittleSomething: u makin a sex tape?  
WarriorMaiden: *bangs head on table*

一

WardenWolf: sry son, ur mom made me go 2 a craft show  
YoungWolf: wtf, we both forgot 2 set the lineup?  
FertileNonagenarian: i 4get all the time! still win, still win  
LegitimizeThisBitches: y the fuck would u go 2 a craft show?  
WardenWolf: cat likes giving special, personalized homemade gifts,  
SharkKing: a woman cant make u do nething, just pop her n the mouth, shut her up  
YoungWolf: uh...no  
WardenWolf: id never hit cat, and i owed her for the draft last yr, i promised five craft shows  
LegitmizeThisBitches: fucking nightmare, nvr getting married  
PerfectPrincess: no 1 would want 2 marry u, ramsay  
WardenWolf: sansa, i didn’t know u were here  
Needler: s’okay dad, we know u complain about mom, she complains bout u2  
YoungWolf: does jeyne complain abt me?  
FertileNonagenarian: non o my wives complained abt me  
SharkKing: blsht  
Needler: uh, duh, robb  
PerfectPrincess: u need 2 do the laundry more and not leave wet towels on the floor  
WardenWolf: id nevr leave a towle on the floor again to get out of pumpkin carving  
FlayMaster: I don’t know, it would give me a chance to use my knives.  
Needler: uh..g2g  
PerfectPrincess: me2

[Needler has left the conversation.]  
[PerfectPrincess has left the conversation]

LegitimizeThisBitches: y u gotta always make it weird dad?  
YoungWolf: so, uh...craft shows?  
FertileNonagenarian: *snore*

一

LadyRose: How’s it going?  
URallAssholes: uh...bro and tall chick are bickering but both r teams r kicking ass  
LadyRose: Coming home soon?  
URallAssholes: u used that key i gave u?  
LadyRose: I might be here, in bed, with a nice bottle of wine.  
URallAssholes: fuck the games, im on my way

一

BeardedStag: Totally kicked ass at game night last night.  
UKnowUWantMe: key is 2 get stannis upset abt grammar, tyrion drunk, and jb 2 fight  
BeardedStag: You are such a good planner.  
UKnowUWantMe: im here 4 u baby  
BeardedStag: We need to kick ass in the league this year.  
UKnowUWantMe: 2bad we can’t do that in ff  
BeardedStag: Maybe we can…  
BeardedStag: We could change our team name to WeCouldCareless.  
UKnowUWantMe: oh gods, that’s perfect

一

WarriorMaiden: I won.  
Kingslayer: I won too.  
WarriorMaiden: We play each other next week.  
Kingslayer: We do. Want to bet on it?  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe…  
Kingslayer: If I win, you have to marry me that very night.  
WarriorMaiden: No. And we couldn’t do that. You have to have a marriage license.  
Kingslayer: Uh...we have one. I keep it in my wallet in case you decide you want to get married at any time.  
WarriorMaiden: You can seriously do that?  
Kingslayer: If you’re a Lannister.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: So...want to go get married right now?  
WarriorMaiden: No, I do not. I want to go home.  
Kingslayer: Oh, inviting me to take you back to the bedroom? You naughty wench.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up or we’ll be just sleeping.  
Kingslayer: Nah, I’ve seen how you’ve been eying my biceps all day long. You’re all hot for me.  
WarriorMaiden: You wore that short sleeved shirt on purpose!  
Kingslayer: I did? Really?  
WarriorMaiden: You did, I know you did. And you keep touching yourself, running your hand up your arm, rubbing your neck, scratching your shoulder. All to get my attention. Now stop flexing and take me home.  
Kingslayer: Anything for my wench.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WarriorMaiden - Brienne  
> Kingslayer - Jaime  
> iluvgilly - Sam  
> SharkReek - Theon  
> SexViper - Oberyn  
> SexontheSand - Ellaria  
> BeardedStag - Renly  
> UKnowUWantMe - Loras  
> CommissionerByRight - Stannis  
> FingerfewerHand - Davos  
> Evenstar - Selwyn  
> BAMFLannister - Tywin  
> BeenThereDoneThatQueen - Olenna  
> URallAssholes - Tyrion  
> LadyRose - Margaery  
> IKnowALittleSomething - Jon Snow  
> KissedByFire -Ygritte  
> MrsYoungWolf - Jeyne Westerling  
> YoungWolf - Robb  
> WardenWolf - Ned  
> RedheadedMother - Catelyn  
> PerfectPrincess - Sansa  
> Needler - Arya  
> LegitimizeThisBitches - Ramsay  
> FlayMaster - Roose  
> PinkISPretty - Walda  
> SharkKing - Balon Greyjoy  
> FertileNonagenarian - Walder Frey  
> IronIslandsBattleBabe - Yara/Asha “Yarsha” Greyjoy  
> Unknown - Jaqen


	2. Week 5, Monday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twisty thing and the hand thing, an update on the League, scheming, baby talk and Brienne is up to something...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your ID reminders are at the end of chapter one.

Kingslayer: We still need to make a bet for this Sunday, our matchup.  
WarriorMaiden: Not dealing with a wedding.  
Kingslayer: Dammit. Why not?  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: Maybe I’m rolling my eyes at you.  
WarriorMaiden: So we’re switching personalities? I’ll ask you what you’re wearing and you’ll roll your eyes?  
Kingslayer: …  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Just thinking about what you’re wearing.  
WarriorMaiden: You know what I’m wearing.  
Kingslayer: I’d like you to be wearing nothing.  
WarriorMaiden: Gods Jaime. We had sex this morning!  
Kingslayer: Only once!  
WarriorMaiden: But it was a a really good once...  
Kingslayer: It was...I’m remembering it right now.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime….  
Kingslayer: Are you remembering it?  
WarriorMaiden: I was actually thinking about that other thing, with the twist.  
Kingslayer: Oh gods, the twisty thing with the leg thing combined?  
WarriorMaiden: That was really good.  
Kingslayer: I think maybe we can twist a little more if we work on the leg part and I do the hand thing too.  
WarriorMaiden: The hand thing?? And adding more twist??? I mean...Jaime...that’s…  
Kingslayer: ?  
WarriorMaiden: Hot.

[SexontheSand has joined the conversation.]

SexontheSand: Are you discussing a new sexual position??  
WarriorMaiden: ...Ell, what, I mean, how ...Ell?  
SexontheSand: Oberyn is rubbing off on me.  
SexontheSand: In more ways than one.  
Kingslayer: Uh...do you mind? Brienne and I were in kind of in the middle of something important here.  
SexontheSand: Ah, Jaime, it seems I am always interrupting your thoughts of Brienne.  
Kingslayer: Yeah, can’t you go spin in circles with a whip or whatever you Dornish do with yourselves?  
WarriorMaiden: Why would someone spin in circles with a whip? That’s sounds silly.  
SexontheSand: Perhaps, but it looks good on film.

[IKnowALittleSomething has joined the conversation.]

IKnowALittleSomething: some1 makin a porno?  
Kingslayer: Fuck. Do you people have chat alerts or something?  
SexontheSand: Ah, brooding Snow, perhaps I might have a video or two you might like to watch.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

iluvgilly: was some1 talking pretzel twists?  
WarriorMaiden: …

[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

iluvgilly: pretzels r good, i’m tryin 2 diet  
LadyRose: You’re all talking about dieting? I’m experiencing relationship pudge.  
iluvgilly: thats the worst!  
IKnowALittleSomething: gained 15lbs when i startd dating ygs  
SexontheSand: Oberyn and I use sex to work off calories.  
LadyRose: I’m totally blaming Tyrion for this.

[LadyRose has invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: you rang?  
LadyRose: I’m blaming you for this, Tyrion Lannister.  
URallAssholes: 4 havin the best sex of ur life?  
SexontheSand: Describe the sex for me. In detail.  
IKnowALittleSomething: or show video  
iluvgilly: i like learning new things 2 surprise gilly  
Kingslayer: Seven fucking hells.  
WarriorMaiden: I have to leave for my meeting. I’ll catch you later Jaime.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: No, wench, wait!  
Kingslayer: Fuck you all.

一

CommissionerByRight: DID YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID?  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis, stop typing in shouty capitals. All will be fine.  
CommissionerByRight: “WeCouldCareless.” Not only is it wrong grammatically, they didn’t capitalize properly!  
FingerfewerHand: Would it be better if they had made it WeCouldCareLess?  
CommissionerByRight: ...No.  
FingerfewerHand: Let’s ignore that and talk about the positives.  
CommissionerByRight: …  
FingerfewerHand: Stop grinding your teeth, Stannis.  
CommissionerByRight: Fine. The positives.  
FingerfewerHand: The league is stable. We are through Week Four and there hasn’t been a problem.  
CommissionerByRight: The additions of Yarsha and Ellaria as co-owners have really helped.  
FingerfewerHand: Ell showed quite a lot of skill during the draft. She kept Oberyn on task, and Doran hadn’t been around in ages anyway.  
CommissionerByRight: He always claimed to have plans to exact revenge on the League. Strangely, those plans never came to fruition.  
FingerfewerHand: Doran’s plans don’t worry me at all.  
CommissionerByRight: I hear Jorah is doing well in the Khalasar League. He’s better away from Viserys.  
FingerfewerHand: Are you sure? He was looking a bit grey in his last MyFace post.  
CommissionerByRight: I think that was just bad lighting. Has anyone heard from Viserys?  
FingerfewerHand: Does anyone want to?  
CommissionerByRight: You make a good point, Davos. The Ironborn are having a better season.  
FingerfewerHand: I know Balon’s brothers tried to edge Yarsha out as co-owner in some weird Iron Islands competition, but she made a last minute move and got in.  
CommissionerByRight: Do you really think the League members have approved either of those other Greyjoys?  
FingerfewerHand: Well, Euron does have amazingly youthful skin, but no. I hear they have a team together in the lesser leagues, they are called the HornsofEmity.  
CommissionerByRight:I thought they’d be the Eyepatches of Affectation.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis?  
CommissionerByRight: Davos?  
FingerfewerHand: That was a joke.  
CommissionerByRight: It was.  
FingerfewerHand: I liked it.  
CommissionerByRight: Thank you.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis?  
CommissionerByRight: Thank you, Sir.

一

BAMFLannister: How are things progressing?  
Evenstar: It’s not like I have webcams and listening devices in their apartment, Tywin, but Brienne seems happy enough.  
BAMFLannister: ...listening devices? I had not considered.  
Evenstar: Now do you think either of us really wants to hear what’s going on with them?  
BAMFLannister: …  
BAMFLannister: I suppose not. But they need to marry and begin producing grandchildren. The Lannister fantasy football dynasty must be preserved.  
Evenstar: Uhm...indeedilidoo, who won the Iron Throne last season?  
BAMFLannister: My daughter-in-law. Or she would be if you would get on with convincing her it’s time to wed.  
Evenstar: I’ve decided to try that “do the right thing, live an honorable life” thing with my little girl. See if that gets me some grandkiddliewinkles.  
BAMFLannister: You should have done that before Jaime's first two wedding attempts.  
Evenstar: She’s is not going to be rushed, Tywin. My girly whirly can’t be bulled by the likes of you.  
BAMFLannister: She is far too stubborn. You should have more control over her.  
Evenstar: Like you have control over your children?  
BAMFLannister: …

一

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

KissedByFire: Help me!  
LadyRose: What’s the problem?  
KissedByFire: It’s Jeyne. Holy fucking children of the forest, if I have to hear about her 97 hour labor one more fucking time...  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Wasn’t it like fourteen hours?  
KissedByFire: To hear her talk about it, she’s the only woman who ever gave birth.  
SexontheSand: A woman is very proud of the work her body does to produce a child.  
LadyRose: I mean, child birth is kind of a big deal.  
KissedByFire: Sure it is, but I’m tired of hearing about her loin fruit.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Loin fruit?  
SharkReek: waht did u tell them yarsha? i took an antibiotic and it cleard up!  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Gross, Theon.  
SharkReek: wevs, u seen brie? wanted 2 say bewbs  
LadyRose: She’s off with working or something.  
SharkReek: fuk, bewbs out

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

LadyRose: To think I used to bang him.  
KissedByFire: Please, please talk about his cock so I can think of something other than baby talk.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: MY BROTHER.

[MrsYoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: Hey everyone, Bran did the cutest thing last night!  
KissedByFire: Sorry, Jeyne, I have to go stroke Jon’s ego.  
LadyRose: Have a cybersex date with Tyrion.

[LadyRose has left the conversation.]  
[KissedByFire has left the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: Ell, you’re a mother, let’s talk parenting.  
SexontheSand: Sorry, Jeyne. I have plans with Oberyn.

[SexontheSand has left the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: It’s like they don’t want to hear about Bran anymore.  
Unknown: A man must leave.

一

LegitimizeThisBitches: r team is 0-4, wtf  
SharkReek: i told u we should have draft prepped better  
LegitimizeThisBitches: dad is doing better with fuckin WALDA, and ur sister is doing well 2!  
SharkReek: fuk u  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ur gettin shwo up by a gurl  
SharkReek: hey, how is ur little sister? helping w the 3am feedings? milkin’ walda’s bewbs?  
LegitmizeThisBitches: fuk u

一

MrsYoungWolf: So Walda, congratulations. I haven’t seen you around much, how is the baby?  
PinkISPretty: little rissa is just perfect!  
MrsYoungWolf: Roose didn’t want you to name her after your side of the family?  
PinkISPretty: he said nething but a name that started w a W, how is bran? stark name isn’t it?  
MrsYoungWolf: Yes, well, Stark names are important. He’s utterly perfect. I think he’s already holding his head up. My labor was so long. We worried that he might be a little behind, but he’s so advanced.  
PinkISPretty: thats right, u labored for days, marissa was such an easy birth, not causing me trouble at all  
MrsYoungWolf: Yes, not everyone could take labor the way I did. No drugs at all, you know.  
PinkISPretty: i didn’t need ne, not really painful, she just came right out, eager 2 b w her mommy  
MrsYoungWolf: ...

一

WarriorMaiden: You don't think this is a bad idea, Dad?  
Evenstar: Heck NO. That boy may be stupid but he sure loves you.  
WarriorMaiden: I know he does. I mean, he announces it to the world. But do you think he'll react well to a surprise wedding?  
Evenstar: If he doesn't, I'll drag him to the altar by his shiny hair.  
WarriorMaiden: Dad, you wouldn't!  
Evenstar: I might.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* So you can be here on Saturday?  
Evenstar: ‘Course I can. I can be there tonight if you tell me you’re finally getting married.  
WarriorMaiden: We are. I think. On Saturday. Hopefully. Getting married.  
Evenstar: I know it's the modern thing to live together, but when it comes to my baby girl, I'm an old-fashioned father and want you to be officially married.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I love each other though, married or not.  
Evenstar: And that's why you were so unsure of him up until he proposed?  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
WarriorMaiden: That's just me, Dad.  
Evenstar: Or getting married really means something to you.  
WarriorMaiden: ...Okay, it does. Are you mad at me for not going through with it when he surprised me with those first two weddings?  
Evenstar: Nah. Watching that idiot Lannister boy blunder at things is purdy darn funny. I especially liked when you dumped that champagne on his head. HooooWee. Didn’t mind that waste o’ bubbly at all.  
Evenstar: Enough is enough though, baby, it's time. I don't want any grandchildren until my baby girl is a Mrs.  
WarriorMaiden: Or Ms. We are a long way from grandkids, Dad.  
Evenstar: Not too long.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Hey. What are my two favorite Tarths discussing?  
WarriorMaiden: Nothing!  
WarriorMaiden: Just chatting. About nothing. Nothing important.  
WarriorMaiden: Really.  
Evenstar: We are the only Tarths. We come from a long line of honorable people.  
Kingslayer: A long line of tall people.  
Evenstar: Can’t help that you’re short, boyo.  
WarriorMaiden: Dad…  
Kingslayer: It’s okay. Brienne is the perfect height for me.  
Evenstar: My girl is perfect, all around.  
Kingslayer: Couldn’t agree more.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: Brienne, would mind picking me up after work? My car is getting an oil change and tire rotation and they want me to pick it up in the morning.  
WarriorMaiden: Sure, I’ll head out now.  
WarriorMaiden: Love you, Dad.  
Evenstar: Love you too, honey.  
WarriorMaiden: Dad, dont…  
Evenstar: I know, now get going, sweetheart.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Evenstar: Now, son, let’s talk about you doing right by my daughter.  
Kingslayer: I always do right by her.  
Evenstar: You better make her happy.  
Kingslayer: Oh, I make her happy. I make her very happy. Very happy indeed. You should have seen how happy she was this morning.  
Evenstar: ...  
Evenstar: That had better not have been some hint at naughty talk to me about my DAUGHTER.  
Kingslayer: Uh...of course not, Sir.  
Kingslayer: I was just saying that because I made her waffles for breakfast. Yes. Waffles. Waffles make her happy.  
Evenstar: She does like a good waffle. Now sit there and shut up and look at these new videos I added to my youtube channel of bonecrushing football hits.  
Kingslayer: ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so supportive. I hadn't expected that. :) I love your comments and I love your faces.


	3. Week 5, Tuesday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime discovers Brienne's dirty secret, Ned makes a bet, Selwyn plans an outfit and page 193.

Kingslayer: Yes.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: Yes.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: I had no idea how disgusting it was until last night.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s fine. I don’t know why you’re being so annoying about this.  
Kingslayer: I’m being annoying? I’M BEING ANNOYING?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, you’re being ANNOYING.  
Kingslayer: I just have certain standards of behavior that I think should be met by all.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you suggesting I fall below your high standards of appropriate behavior?  
Kingslayer: Yes, yes I am and yes, yes you do.

[IKnowALittleSomething has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Aren’t you the man who talked me into having sex in a sports bar restroom stall?  
IKnowALittleSomething: i remember that  
IKnowALittleSomething: wish that bar had video  
Kingslayer: Seriously, SnowDick? Do you really want to talk about getting video of my fiance naked right now?  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Jon. How’s Ygritte? Stay. Chat with us.  
IKnowALittleSomething: ur in Kl, im at the wall, j-blow, seems a safe time 2 me  
IKnowALittleSomething: ygs is fine, nagging me about spending 2 much time on my line up with sam being all married now  
Kingslayer: Yes, let’s talk about weddings.  
WarriorMaiden: No. Let’s talk about your lineup.  
Kingslayer: Wait, I think Jon agrees with me. Isn’t it important to get your car washed once each week and detailed every other week?  
Kingslayer: Although in Brienne’s case, the detailing could be every week as well.  
IKnowALittleSomething: totlly, gotta keep ur car tight  
WarriorMaiden: Jon, if you’re not going to be on my side in this argument, I’ll tell Ygritte to cut you off.  
IKnowALittleSomething: j, ur gf is scarier than u, im out

[IKnowALittleSomething has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Back to getting your car detailed.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t want stripes and designs painted on my car, Jaime. I think that looks dumb. And why re-do it every other week?  
Kingslayer: What are you talking about?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t want my car detailed, with like racing stripes and stuff.  
Kingslayer: …  
Kingslayer: Brienne, you know I love you, right?  
WarriorMaiden: Are you breaking up with me because I don’t want stripes on my car?  
Kingslayer: I am NEVER breaking up with you, and car detailing is when they clean your car with all the details, the dash, scrub sideboards, steering wheel, vacuum, interior windshield, clean under the seats, all that. In the case of your car, wench, it should only take ten hours.  
WarriorMaiden: ...that’s what detailing means?  
Kingslayer: How did you not know?  
WarriorMaiden: I usually wash my car myself or run it through the automatic wash.  
Kingslayer: THE AUTOMATIC WASH WITH BRUSHES?  
WarriorMaiden: ...yes?  
Kingslayer: SweetfuckingmotheroftheCrone, Brienne, those destroy the paintjob.  
WarriorMaiden: If they are so awful, why do they exist anyway?  
Kingslayer: I'm sure it's a car painter conspiracy. Now swear to me you will never go to an automatic car wash again?  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously?  
Kingslayer: Seriously.  
WarriorMaiden: This is stupid.  
Kingslayer: This is important to me.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I promise.  
Kingslayer: Now let's discuss the inside of the car.  
WarriorMaiden: This argument makes wish for one Theon’s drive-by tit/boob bombs.  
Kingslayer: You cannot distract me with discussion of your breasts.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh really?  
Kingslayer: ...  
Kingslayer: Godsdammit, wench! You’re wearing that sexy serviceable blue bra, aren’t you?

一

LadyRose: I can't believe you're running a pool about this.  
URallAssholes: have 2 amuse myself some how  
LadyRose: But betting on your brother's love life? Really?  
URallAssholes: u were fine w it b4  
LadyRose: I've converted. Changed my ways. I now understand and appreciate the sanctity of relationships and the beauty of real love. I understand the value of romance.  
URallAssholes: or ur just mad i didnt let u in on the action and ur faking it

[WardenWolf has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: I never fake it.  
WardenWolf: uh...  
URallAssholes: oh, i know u dont  
WardenWolf: am i intrrupting?  
LadyRose: Of course not, Ned. Tyrion and I were just arguing about romance. You're a romantic, right?  
WardenWolf: coursse, romance is impt  
LadyRose: See, Ned agrees with me.  
WardenWolf: i think j is gonna get all romantic in week 10 and thats my wedding pick 4 the pool  
URallAssholes: gotcha down.  
WardenWolf: sweet, dont tell cat, she;ll make me go to a wedding craft show

[WardenWolf has left the conversation.]

LadyRose: Fuck me.  
URallAssholes: ne time ;) come on Marg, u know u want in.  
LadyRose: Fine. We talked last week and she’s pretty adamant about waiting a while longer. I'm going with the weekend between the playoffs and the Super Bowl.  
URallAssholes: xcellent choice

一

MrsYoungWolf: Bran is sleeping through the night already, bed at 10, up at 6.  
PinkISPretty: rissa wakes once for a quick feeding then lets me sleep in until 9, shes like me, not an early riser  
MrsYoungWolf: Bran is such a healthy eater too. I have him on both breast milk and formula.  
PinkISPretty: i produce enough milk for rissa w/o needing 2 use formula  
MrsYoungWolf: Bran has a full head of hair.  
PinkISPretty: rissa has roose’s pretty light eyes

一

Evenstar: So Brienne is throwing Jaime a surprise wedding on Sunday, but it’s a total secret.  
BAMFLannister: These surprise wedding attempts have been utter failures.  
Evenstar: It’s the other way around this time though. So it will work.  
BAMFLannister: Has she arranged for a caterer? A photograher? A string quartet?  
BAMFLannister: ...A dress?  
Evenstar: I’m sure she’ll wear something appropriate, but you can’t go arranging and planning stuff. Jaime’ll get the wind up and ruin it.  
BAMFLannister: I cannot believe I’m about to acquiesce to my son getting married in casual attire, possibly sweatpants.  
Evenstar: Would you prefer they not get married at all?  
BAMFLannister: Fine, but I’ll be wearing a suit.  
Evenstar: I’ve picked out a nice plaid shirt and cardigan. Probably have a few hard candies in my pockets if you want one. Might even wear my comfy slippers.

一

RedHeadedMother: So, the craft show idea was brilliant, Olenna.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Did he hate it?  
RedHeadedMother: Completely. Thinks it’s a total waste of time. I made him look at hand-carved bird houses. The next one will be couples scrapbooking.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: He’ll be miserable.  
RedHeadedMother: He deserves it after all of those years of planting his ass on my couch watching football and asking me to bring him beer.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You could have just started watching football with him. I mean, even Walda is trying to learn.  
RedHeadedMother: Walda could use a little backbone. She was telling me about making bacon, bleu cheese and prune pizza the other day.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: ...sounds disgusting.  
RedHeadedMother: You know Roose has those bowel issues.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I’d rather not think about it. The thing about Tywin is that he has a stick so firmly up his ass he would never share anything about his personal care with me. His bathroom time is alone time.  
RedHeadedMother: So he never texts you to tell you he took a healthy one at the office?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Gods, no. I think Tyrion interrupted him once in the bathroom. Their relationship has never been the same.  
RedHeadedMother: I never, ever thought I would be jealous of someone dating Tywin Lannister.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Have I ever mentioned the Lannister skill set?

一

Kingslayer: I had Peck give it a thorough vacuum and clean out.  
WarriorMaiden: You shouldn't have your assistant cleaning out my car!  
Kingslayer: He's my assistant. His job is to assist me. And I needed assisting when it comes to that dumpster you drive.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
Kingslayer: I had him bring me everything he found...it's in a giant box. I'm going through it now.  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
Kingslayer: Don't worry, he didn't find any of your underwear. We've never fucked in your car.  
WarriorMaiden: I know that!  
Kingslayer: And considering what he found, we never will. Good gods, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: I think this is a fossilized Pentoshi fry.  
WarriorMaiden: I eat in my car sometimes.  
Kingslayer: And have your mail delivered there too?  
WarriorMaiden: I keep catalogs and stuff in there to have something to look at if I get stuck in traffic.  
Kingslayer: Right, Ms. Keep-Your-Hands-in-the-Ten-and-Two-Position-and-Not-On-My-Thigh-It's-Dangerous-Jaime.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up and just send the box to me. I'll deal with it.  
Kingslayer: How? By putting it all back in your car?  
WarriorMaiden: Grrr.  
Kingslayer: Don't distract me by getting all angry and sexy. Do you by chance have any overdue library books you can't find?  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
Kingslayer: Something called, "A Swordsman’s Love"?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods. Marg made me check that out!  
Kingslayer: Uh huh. Seems pretty well read.  
WarriorMaiden: Just put it in the box and send it to me!  
Kingslayer: ...  
Kingslayer: ...  
Kingslayer: ...  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: I just read page 193.  
Kingslayer: We are so doing that tonight.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
WarriorMaiden: 193? ...Okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously didn't understand car detailing until about five years ago. Shut up.


	4. Week 5, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime and Brienne talk kids, everyone else is stressed, horny or bored.

Kingslayer: Wench!  
WarriorMaiden: Are you ever going to give up that nickname  
Kingslayer: NEVER!  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* We never decided on a bet for our matchup this week.  
Kingslayer: How about I get to name our first born child when I win?  
WarriorMaiden: Absolutely not. You would chose some stupid name like Leotus or Khaleesi.  
Kingslayer: Khaleesi is a title, not a name and what’s wrong with Leotus?  
WarriorMaiden: My point exactly. And what makes you think we are having children?  
Kingslayer: Don’t you want children?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know? Do you want children?  
Kingslayer: I’m torn. I mean, miniature towheaded planks wandering around the house that you can teach about honor and oaths and I can teach about fantasy football sounds amazing.  
WarriorMaiden: But?  
Kingslayer: But then it wouldn’t just be us, and we are so great together, and you know our kid would totally try to beat the crap out of us with the rubber swords you’d insist on buying. What do you think?  
WarriorMaiden: Well, golden-haired, green-eyed children that you could teach to roar and I could teach about fantasy football would be nice.  
Kingslayer: But?  
WarriorMaiden: You’re so right about the swords.  
Kingslayer: And?  
WarriorMaiden: I like just us too.  
Kingslayer: Brienne...I just had a thought.  
WarriorMaiden: That we can’t tell our fathers that weren’t undecided and not ready?  
Kingslayer: We know each other too well.

一

CommissionerByRight: It’s just so upsetting, Davos. WeCouldCareless. They created an email account with that name as well. It’s horrid.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis. It’s fine.  
CommissionerByRight: I was so upset last night that I didn’t pay attention to Shireen!  
FingerfewerHand: She’s fine.  
CommissionerByRight: She almost caught her hair on fire trying to light those scented PartyLite candles she bought from Daenarys.  
CommissionerByRight: I’m a terrible parent. I might be a worse parent than Selyse.  
FingerfewerHand: You’re not a bad parent, Stannis. You love Shireen. Everyone knows you would never let anything bad happen to your girl, let alone letting her get burned.  
CommissionerByRight: Of course not.  
FingerfewerHand: Not even if the Iron Throne were on the line.  
CommissionerByRight: ...

一

BeardedStag: I think he’s going to crack. He sent out a memo at the office about double and single negatives.  
UKnowUWantMe: nice! we need him 2 not set his lineup this week  
BeardedStag: We need to distract Davos too.  
UKnowUWantMe: thats harder 2 do,  
BeardedStag: Maybe we can get Stannis to send him away? Maybe to investigate the Leagues in the Land of Always Winter? Somewhere there is no wi-fi?  
UKnowUWantMe: davos would never leave stannys side

一

iluvgilly: u know u can count on me, brie, u were so great at my wedding  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks, Sam. I know you can keep this a secret.  
iluvgilly: this will be better than jaime’s not good surprise weddings  
WarriorMaiden: Hopefully. So you and Gilly can come? And you’ll get Jon and Ygritte here?  
iluvgilly: gilly and i are moving south, ill tell jon and ygritte 2 come with us 4 for a goodbye  
WarriorMaiden: Do you really want to leave the Wall, Sam?  
iluvgilly: ‘s not safe 4 gilly here, and i want 2 go somewhere i can learn  
WarriorMaiden: Good for you both then. Are you going to spend some time with your father? Introduce him to Gilly?  
iluvgilly: ...hadn’t planned on it  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t blame you.

一

YoungWolf: i am nvr having sex again, jeyne is always tired w the baby  
IKnowALittleSomething: try the naked man  
YoungWolf: naked man? not into dudes  
SharkReek: its a way 2 get a chick 2 bang u  
URallAssholes: a pity bang  
YoungWolf: ill take that  
SharkReek: a bang is a bang  
YoungWolf: how does it work?

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: What’s up, assholes?  
URallAssholes: snow is ‘splaining his smooth moves 2 get that redhead strumpet 2 pity bang him  
Kingslayer: That sounds terrifying.  
SharkReek: it wrks  
Kingslayer: Don’t tell me. Pretend she is a girl machine and if you buy her dinner and be nice to her, she’ll just put out?  
iluvgilly: ...sometmes that works  
IKnowALittleSomething: no dinner, no effort, i jes get naked  
Kingslayer: What?  
URallAssholes: lke if yggy goes 2 pee or something, he strips while shes gone and looks pathetic and broody when she comes back  
SharkReek: then she will bang him  
IKnowALittleSomething: i do not brood  
Kingslayer: …  
SharkReek: …  
YoungWolf: …  
URallAssholes: bullfuckingshit, u have RBF  
IKnowALittleSomething: rbf?  
Kingslayer: Resting Brood Face.  
URallAssholes: nice pick up bro *fist bump*  
Kingslayer: Lannister brothers, talking smack since birth. *fist bump*  
IKnowALittleSomething: fine, maybe a little, but i have abs  
YoungWolf: my abs r tired  
Kingslayer: Not as nice as my abs.  
SharkReek: i have abs2!!  
iluvgilly: gilly doesnt care that i dont have abs, well i have abs, but not defined ones  
URallAssholes: *fist bump sam*  
Kingslayer: So why not just kiss her, rub her back, nibble her neck, stroke that spot on her thigh, whisper dirty things in her ear, the usual “I want to have sex” signals?  
IKnowALittleSomething: i jus do it to mix things up, when it gets boring  
YoungWolf: im gonna try it w jeyne 2nite, what does ygs do?  
IKnowALittleSomething: she laughs n kisses me  
URallAssholes: laughing seems dead on  
Kingslayer: I’d like it if Brienne naked woman-ed me.  
SharkReek: …yo, jamie  
Kingslayer: DO NOT ask me about her breasts, Theon. I will flay you alive.  
FlayMaster: You can borrow my knives.

一

MrsYoungWolf: Bran giggles and smiles at me.  
PinkISPretty: r u sure it’s not gas?  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb is such a help for me. He’s already taking Bran on little father/son trips.  
PinkISPretty: …

一

Needler: y u so sad theon?  
SharkReek: s’no fun to tit bomb briene since she started complimenting me on them  
Needler: did u think u would do it 4ever?  
SharkReek: nah, but since she and j got engaged, hard ot needle her  
Needler: nothing wrong with needling :)  
SharkReek: its just all boring now, im boring and got no girl  
Needler: is there a girl u like?  
SharkReek: nah...was this chick myranda but she turned totl B and i wanted 2 shove her off a wall  
Needler: uh..well.  
SharkReek: marg is happy w tyrion  
Needler: maybe u shold go meet new girls  
SharkReek: 2 much effort  
Needler: u could go gay for ramsay?  
SharkReek: …

一

LadyRose: I haven’t done a topic of the day in ages.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Brienne’s love life is now so disgustingly stable, she doesn’t angst over things anymore, leaving us nothing to discuss.  
WarriorMaiden: I still angst!  
SexontheSand: Love should not be angst. Love should be pleasure. I can teach you about pleasure.  
KissedByFire: Okay, Brienne, what are you angsting over? Share with us?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Is Jaime too romantic?  
KissedByFire: Too attentive?  
SexontheSand: Is the sex too amazing? Describe it.  
LadyRose: Oh, Brienne’s angst is all, “Jaime wants to marry me and he lurves and adores me so much. I can’t stand being in a secure relationship. Waaahhhh. What do I do?”  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You know it’s true, Brienne. It was much more fun when you were worrying about “Does Jaime like me or like me like me?” I mean, the only thing left to angst over is the wedding.  
WarriorMaiden: …  
SexontheSand: How can I convince you that polyamory has its benefits?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime is nagging me about my car being messy.  
KissedByFire: I make Jon take my car to get washed and detailed.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I have Qarl for that.  
WarriorMaiden: Qarl?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: My new boytoy. I get to come home and he shows me how much wood he chopped and I get to examine his abs. It’s nice. Soothing. I do all the thinking in the relationship.  
WarriorMaiden: What happened to Bronn?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: It was never going to work out. He’s too mercenary and I’m too bored. And Tyrion introduced him to a nice dumb, rich chick named Lollys and he seems very happy.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Qarl is where it’s at. He cleans too. It’s like having a maid I can fuck.  
SexontheSand: Oberyn and I always macke love to the cleaning staff. I honestly have no idea how my car gets cleaned. It just happens.  
LadyRose: Tyrion makes Podrick take care of both of our cars. And Brienne, Jaime is right. Your car is a disaster.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you taking his side, Margaery? Isn't that against some code?  
LadyRose: Oh what the hell, sure. This might be entertaining.

[LadyRose has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Yes?  
KissedByFire: Margaery is on your side about Brienne’s car, whatever that’s about.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I can’t believe this is a thing.  
LadyRose: Yep. I’m with Jaime on this one. He’s right. Brienne is wrong.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s just a car. What’s the big deal?  
Kingslayer: What’s the big deal? What’s the big deal? It’s your CAR. I mean. I can’t believe I let you drive the Valyrian.  
WarriorMaiden: You were going to give me the Valyrian!  
Kingslayer: I wouldn’t have if I’d known you used a car wash with brushes.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Jaime and Brienne, fighting over something meaningless and the sky is blue.  
Kingslayer: We don’t fight all the time.  
WarriorMaiden: We actually fight very little.  
Kingslayer: We just disagree sometimes.  
WarriorMaiden: But mostly we agree on things.  
Kingslayer: At least the important things.  
WarriorMaiden: And even when we disagree...  
Kingslayer: ...we always make up after.  
WarriorMaiden: Exactly.  
Kingslayer: Love you, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: Love you too, idiot.  
LadyRose: *barf*  
KissedByFire: Fuck me. I think I prefer the bickering.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You could go talk with Walda and Jeyne about their offspring.  
KissedByFire: ...No.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Entropic Girl Reporter on the Asha/Yara lines about Qarl and wanting an easy relationship. Thank you, EGR!


	5. Week 5, Thursday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime and Brienne finally decide on a bet which they cannot discuss and things get boring.

WarriorMaiden: So...our bet?  
Kingslayer: I still can’t convince you to marry me that very night if I win? I mean, I have made both Pod and Peck get their licenses to officiate. We can get married right now if you want.  
WarriorMaiden: You made them get licenses???  
Kingslayer: ...is that weird? And I always make sure there’s someone available when we go away for the weekends.  
Kingslayer: Or attend a party.  
Kingslayer: And Mr. and Mrs. Jast next door.  
Kingslayer: The Lyddens across the way in case the Jasts aren’t home. But old Joff Lydden is kind of a dick and I’d rather it not be him.  
WarriorMaiden: Goods gods, Jaime!  
Kingslayer: Tyrion refused though. That little shit.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime Lannister. I promise that I will marry you one day, but it has to be in my own way and in my own time.  
Kingslayer: So...now? :)  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
WarriorMaiden: No not now...but I will bet you anything that does not involve us getting married.  
Kingslayer: OooOo, a sex bet?  
WarriorMaiden: That’s cheating!  
Kingslayer: You said anything, wench. Are you going back on your word?  
WarriorMaiden: FINE! A sex bet.  
Kingslayer: All right, if I win, I get to do that thing we do not discuss to you. (And really, I don’t see why we can’t discuss it. Maybe that should be part of the bet.)  
WarriorMaiden: Fine, but if I win, we do page 282 of that book. (Discussing it is embarrassing and makes me blush so no.)  
Kingslayer: Oh...I liked page 282, but I’m still going to win. (I love your blush. It’s so damn sexy)  
WarriorMaiden: My team is going to kick your teams’ ass. (I can’t believe you have some weird blush fetish.)  
Kingslayer: Whatever. I’m totally going to win. (You should let me set up a webcam in your office so I can watch you blush.)  
WarriorMaiden: It’s Tom Brady, the CHEATER’S, bye week. You have no starting QB. (If I let you set up a webcam, you’ll just want me to get naked.)  
Kingslayer: Tyrion will pick someone up off the waiver wire. (Damn straight I want to see you naked. Send me a nudie pic right now.)  
WarriorMaiden: Never.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Dammit. We should have bet that you have to send me nude selfies.  
SharkReek: bries bewb pics?  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Theon, why don’t you give me some lyrics where you’ve replaced key words with breast references? You haven’t done it in ages.  
SharkReek: u make it not fun when u want it  
Kingslayer: Yo, Greysad, don’t you need to talk to Ramsay about your lineup this week? I mean, Walder is doing better than you.  
SharkReek: fuk u

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: So...nudie pics?  
WarriorMaiden: You missed your chance, idiot.  
Kingslayer: …  
WarriorMaidens: The Lyddens? Really?  
Kingslayer: I bought them off.

一

IKnowALittleSomething: so how did it go?  
YoungWolf: it so worked!  
IKnowALittleSomething: u got laid?  
YoungWolf: it was ok sex, i mean, quick but sex  
IKnowALittleSomething: u take what u can get dude  
IKnowALittleSomething: so...uh...video?

一

KissedByFire: So are you really into this fantasy football thing?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I always have been, but I like to work from behind the scenes.  
SexontheSand: It’s really brought me and Oberyn closer together.  
iluvgilly: im afraid jon cant run a team on his own when gilly and i move  
iluvgilly: he needs someone 2 watch over him, he wants 2 play in the wall league  
iluvgilly: those guys will stab n him the back  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Those Northern Leagues are tough. If it goes too badly for him, someone might need to sacrifice a child to bring him back.  
SexontheSand: You think his team could be brought back from the dead?  
KissedByFire: I’m sure a certain redheaded woman could do it.  
iluvgilly: i thought he and cat weren’t close?

一

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Why do I have to help you plan this?  
WarriorMaiden: Because you've already lost in Tyrion's stupid betting pool and you can keep a secret.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I really thought that draft day surprise wedding was going to work.  
WarriorMaiden: Really, Yarsha? Oh yes, let’s get married and then draft our teams. You still won’t get first pick.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Fine, it was a shitty idea. What makes you think this one is going to be better?  
WarriorMaiden: Because I’m planning it, not Jaime.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Excellent point. What do I have to do?  
WarriorMaiden: Get everyone to our place on Saturday without letting Jaime know.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Why don't you just ask me to get myself named Queen of the IronIslands?  
WarriorMaiden: It wouldn’t be that hard. Ned and Catelyn are in town for Sansa’s Parents Weekend with Arya, Jeyne and Robb are coming with them as a mini-vacation. Sam is already in on it and he's getting Jon and Ygritte here. Just wave free beer at them and get them to come over.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I'll need to tell them at some point.  
WarriorMaiden: I know. They just can't tell Jaime.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Even Tywin?  
WarriorMaiden: Dad said he'd take care of that...I worry that those two talk too much.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: All right, let's get this surprise wedding going. Who has this weekend in the pool?  
WarriorMaiden: To date, since it's my first fantasy football matchup with Jaime, everyone thinks we are going to fight or have some ridiculous bet, so no one.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Are you throwing this surprise wedding because you want to marry Jaime or because you want to screw over everyone who bets on your love life?  
WarriorMaiden: ...Both?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I knew we got along for a reason.

一

LadyRose: I'm bored.  
KissedByFire: I'm Ygritte. Nice to meet you.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Nice Dad joke.  
KissedByFire: But when you do it, it’s funny?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Exactly.  
LadyRose: Gods, fighting over dad jokes is boring.  
MrsYoungWolf: I'm too tired to be bored.  
SexontheSand: I’m not tired, but Oberyn and I have not found a new sex position in months.

[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

KissedByFire: Horrors, having sex in the same position more than once.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb and I only have time for a ten minute quickie now that we have a baby.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Quickies can be hot, right Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: What did I walk in on?  
LadyRose: We're bored. Tell us some dirty story about you and Jaime.  
SexontheSand: With your legs Brienne, I'm certain the two of you can be creative...very creative, perhaps you need some help with that.  
WarriorMaiden: Uh....

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: Have you and Jaime stopped having sex because your relationship has reached settled and boring?  
SharkReek: was gonna say tits...btu is j bored caus u dont have ne an wont send him bewb pics?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, Theon, Jaime is no longer interested in me because of my inadequate breast size. We are talking about how to make it more interesting. Now get out.  
KissedByFire: Cock rings are fun.  
SharkReek: lik..pierced? wtf?  
LadyRose: Oh yeah, a penis body modification. Let's find some photos.  
SharkReek: FUCK, no 1 gets near my dick w a knife!

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: I hate it when by brother talks sex.  
LadyRose: We all do.  
KissedByFire: Now back to Brienne and Jaime.  
MrsYoungWolf: Has the sex slowed down?  
WarriorMaiden: What...I...I mean, we don't have as many quickies anymore.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb and I had a quickie last night.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime just likes it more romantic and slow.  
KissedByyFire: Of course he does.  
LadyRose: Romantic and slow is fun too.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: So is a good hard fuck up against a wall.  
KissedByFire: Like Jaime and Brienne in a bathroom stall.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

一

SharkReek: hahah j dude, brie says ur boring n the sack  
LegitimizeThisBitches: can we not talk abt that warrir chick nakd?  
Kingslayer: I am not boring in the sack. Brienne and I have an amazing sex life. And fuck off Ramsay.  
URallAssholes: i specifically do not want 2 hear ne more about my bro banging  
WardenWolf: sex does get boring after u been married a while  
Kingslayer: But not with me and Brienne. She would never say I’m boring.  
Kingslayer: Because I’m not.  
WardenWolf: cat and i try to spice things up w costumes  
LegitimizeThisBitches: y cant we talk abt hot young skinny chicks?  
URallAssholes: u do like the anorexic type that look near death  
SharkReek: brie did 2 say u were boring  
Kingslayer: She did not.  
Unknown: A man would be surprised at what a woman says.  
Kingslayer: What the fuck, Jaqen? Shut your stupid gob.  
WardenWolf: cat will mark pages of her romance novels 4 me 2 read  
LegitmizeThisBitches: the skinnier the better  
Kingslayer: ...romance novels?..any particular books? ...Or pages?  
URallAssholes: chicks run from u rams  
LegitimizeThisBitches: i hunt em down  
WardenWolf: cat bought tingly gel in the grocery store ladies aisle  
SharkReek: ur boring dude, she said so  
Kingslayer: Brienne and I have fantastic sex. Fantastic romance novel worthy sex. That tingles.  
URallAssholes: im outta here b4 he starts n on how amazing tall chick is  
Kingslayer: She IS amazing. And NOT bored with me. 

[URallAssholes has left the conversation.]

WardenWolf: sometimes we roleplay  
LegitimizeThisBitches: barf

一

URallAssholes: yo tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: What’s up, Tyrion?  
URallAssholes: whats r u up 2?  
WarriorMaiden: About 6’3” or the usual.  
URallAssholes: no...ur up 2 something  
WarriorMaiden: What could I possibly be up to?  
URallAssholes: u breakin up w jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: I hadn’t planned on it. Why? Do you have a bet on it?  
URallAssholes: heh, i shud  
WarriorMaiden: Didn’t I threaten to break you if you ever bet on my love life again?  
URallAssholes: u didn’t clearly define love life  
WarriorMaiden: Watch it, little man.  
URallAssholes: so...u preggers?  
WarriorMaiden: Most definitely not and if you ever bet on such a thing, I will cut off your balls, bronze them and use them as a paperweight.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: whats the fascination w balls?  
Kingslayer: What? Testicles? Brienne doesn’t have a testicle fascination.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: Do you?  
URallAssholes: we will discuss lata tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: Or not short man.

[URallAssholes has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: What were you discussing with Tyrion?  
WarriorMaiden: Nothing important. It was boring.  
Kingslayer: Boring…?


	6. Week 5, Friday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime seeks advice, Stannis whistles, the mompetition ends and Brienne discusses her pre-wedding jitters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Getting close to the wedding...

Kingslayer: Did you enjoy last night, wench?  
WarriorMaiden: Why do we have to talk about this all the time?  
Kingslayer: Because I want to know.   
WarriorMaiden: You already know.  
Kingslayer: Damn right I do! You loved it.  
Kingslayer: So...are you blushing?  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* I’m changing the subject.  
Kingslayer: Fine. So, I booked us a room on the Arbor for this weekend.  
WarriorMaiden: What???  
Kingslayer: I thought we could go away this weekend. Spend some quality time together, just you and me. We haven’t done that in a few weeks. Maybe get some tingly gel. Maybe try page 193 again...  
WarriorMaiden: No!

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: You don’t want to spend quality time with me?  
WarriorMaiden: Of course I do.  
Kingslayer: But you don’t want to go away with me for a weekend?  
Kingslayer: …  
Kingslayer: …  
Kingslayer: …  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m waiting to finish this conversation until after Theon makes a breast reference.  
SharkReek: was gunna jus watch u2   
WarriorMaiden: We are that fascinating?  
SharkReek: dunno, u sams says u cyber  
WarriorMaiden: We don’t cyber!  
Kingslayer: Well, sometimes.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: You know who cybers all the time?  
SharkReek: u2?  
WarriorMaiden: Renly and Loras.   
Kingslayer: You should go watch. You might learn something.  
SharkReek: uh...2 dudes?  
WarriorMaiden: Does it matter if it’s just cyber?  
SharkReek: ...

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Now back to our weekend away.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, I want us to stay home this weekend. Just you and me. We can spend quality time at home.  
Kingslayer: Just you and me...naked?  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* I’m sure we will be naked at some point. We always are.  
Kingslayer: Then yes, we can have a just you and me at home weekend. No one else.  
WarriorMaiden: Good, that’s what I want.  
Kingslayer: Anything for my wench.

一

FingerfewerHand: It’s not going to work, you know.  
BeardedStag: What?  
FingerfewerHand: You might be pretty, but you’re not clever.  
UKnowUWantMe: ren and i are totally hot and clever  
BeardedStag: Thanks, babe and what are you talking about Davos?  
FingerfewerHand: You know what I am talking about, Renly.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis is not going to be distracted by your ridiculous team name and forget to set our lineup.  
BeardedStag: There’s nothing wrong with our name. I’m going to tell Stannis that right now.  
FingerfewerHand: Go ahead.. He’s completely and utterly relaxed this morning. Nothing you say can upset him.  
UKnowUWantMe: r u sayin…?  
BeardedStag: Oh gods!  
FingerfewerHand: I’m sayin’.  
UKnowUWantMe: puke, barf, hurl  
BeardedStag: He just walked by my office, and he’s WHISTLING.  
FingerfewerHand: *blows on knuckles* What can I say boys, I’m good.  
FingerfewerHand: Let me give you details.

一

SexontheSand: Jeyne, your sex drive will return. Of course it will. An infant takes over your time and energy, but it will pass.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb was just standing naked in the living room after I got Bran to bed.  
SexontheSand: Ah, the Naked Man.  
MrsYoungWolf: And we did, and it was nice, comforting, but afterwards, all I could think is that I really could have used that time to fold a couple loads of laundry.  
SexontheSand: And why was Robb not folding the laundry while you were dealing with the babe?  
MrsYoungWolf: ...he was playing Dragon Age.  
SexontheSand: If he wants your time and attention and love, he should also share your burdens, so that you have the time to give him attention and love.   
MrsYoungWolf: It's just...he'll sometimes mismatches his socks and he doesn't fold the underwear into little balls like I asked him to.  
SexontheSand: So? Let these things go. You, perhaps, don't keep your money neatly arranged in your wallet, but instead have it in crumpled wads in the bottom of your purse along with receipts and appointment reminders, correct?  
MrsYoungWolf: ...yes...Robb hates that.  
SexontheSand: As long as the laundry is folded and put away, it does not matter. What matters is that you attend to one another.  
MrsYoungWolf: You're right. Thanks, Ell. I've been feeling pretty inadequate as a wife because I”m so busy being a mother.

[PinkISPretty has joined the conversation.]

PinkISPretty: hey, ell had a quedstion  
SexontheSand: Ah...sweet Walda, I was just giving Jeyne the same advice I gave to you about your concerns with being too tired to properly attend Roose and nuture your relationship and improve your lovemaking.  
PinkISPretty: ...  
MrsYoungWolf: You too, Walda?  
PinkISPretty: oh jeyne, im tired all the time, roose wants me 2 cook prune casserole and   
rissa has colic!  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb thinks I don't want him anymore, Bran has diarrhea and we are supposed to drive to King's Landing tonight and I'm exhausted!  
PinkISPretty: oh jeyne...i though every thing was prfect 4 u an d robb!!  
MrsYoungWolf: I thought everything was perfect for you and Roose!!  
SexontheSand: Perhaps you should hug this out...naked....

一

PerfectPrincess: brie! so excited 4u, i love weddings!!  
Needler: weddings r boring, but u and jaime r fun! r u gonna hit him at this one?  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks, Sansa. No, Arya. I am not going to hit him. I promise.  
Needler: drat  
PerfectPrincess: ...can i bring a date?  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm, well, your father and brothers are supposed to be there, and I’d rather people not come to blows.  
PerfectPrincess: well, it’s pod  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion’s Podrick? StutteringSquire?  
PerfectPrincess: yeah...he’s totes cute and hes been so nice 2 me here in kl, showing me around, u know, cool stuff  
PerfectPrincess: and super cute  
Needler: *rolls eyes*  
WarriorMaiden: Oh, Sansa, he’s invited anyway, of course. That’ll be fine. I was just worried for a moment you were going to bring someone like Ramsay.  
PerfectPrincess: gods, no gross!  
Needler: if sansa get2 bring a date, i do2!  
WarriorMaiden: You’ll have to convince your parents to bring Gendry along without telling them about the wedding.  
Needler: not a prob, dad wants him2 meet HuntingBore 4 some reason  
WarriorMaiden: You have to keep it a secret, but I wanted you girls to know so it didn’t spoil your weekend away.  
Needler: NO WAY brie, weddings mean cake! and that last cake was so good, i ate if off jaiem’s tux jacket  
PerfectPrincess: whatever arya, its not about cake, its about romance  
PerfectPrincess: im going 2 have the most romantic wedding ever, outside winterfell at night by candlelight next 2 the heart tree, it’ll be perfect  
Needler: *side eye* doubt it

一

UKnowUWantMe: dont think i can, u know after …  
BeardedStag: We are never, ever mentioning what Davos told us, ever again. For any reason!  
UKnowUWantMe: but...naked stanny lobster? *shudder*  
BeardedStag: I know, I know...but if we don’t...we may never…  
UKnowUWantMe: i cant lose u baby  
BeardedStag: You won’t. I’m here, but let’s not Skype.  
UKnowUWantMe: the images, it’s ging to take some work, lets start slow.  
BeardedStag: Okay...why don’t you take off your belt.  
UKnowUWantMe: u unbutton ur shirt  
BeardedStag: I reach my hand down and unzip your pants, working my way inside.  
UKnowUWantMe: baby, its working! i;ll bite your nipple like u like  
BeardedStag: Oh yeah, I like that.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: ooo yeah, i know u do  
BeardedStag: I reach my hand inside your pants and give a little squeeze  
UKnowUWantMe: wtf? theon????  
BeardedStag: What are you doing here??  
SharkReek: im bored, thought id watch, i got popcorn  
BeardedStag: …  
UKnowUWantMe: ren?  
BeardedStag: I mean…it would be different?  
UKnowUWantMe: like doin it n public, but not…  
SharkReek: ill be quiet  
UKnowUWantMe: warning, theon, it gets hot...u might find it difficult...  
SharkReek: i like a torture every now and then

一

Kingslayer: She rejected my weekend away idea.  
FertileNonagenarian: u could take me away? we could hav a gud time?  
Kingslayer: Shut up, Walder. I’m not a woman. I’m Tywin’s son.  
FertileNonagenarian: thought ur name was jaime, like a girl  
Kingslayer: My name is Jaime, but you should call me Kingslayer, brokedick.  
FertileNonagenarian: wevs, get me a date  
Kingslayer: Look, I can’t fucking believe I’m asking this.  
Kingslayer: Walder, I can’t get my girl to marry me. How did you manage to get so many women to marry you?  
FertileNongenarian: heh, im hot n sexy  
Kingslayer: No, really, Walder. The truth.  
FertileNonagenarian: try drugs  
Kingslayer: I am not going to drug Brienne to get her to marry me.  
FertileNonagenarian: no drugs so u cna go all night, s’what i do, gievs me a perma chub, girls lek it  
Kingslayer: Dear gods, I did not need to know that.

一

WarriorMaiden: I’m so glad you agreed to officiate. I really appreciate it.  
WarriorMaiden: I had more options than I thought, but I think you’ll do a great job.  
WarriorMaiden: So...about the wedding..  
WarriorMaiden: Yarsha keeps asking me if I’m nervous and saying things to calm me down. But I am calm, you know?  
WarriorMaiden: I am completely confident that I want to marry Jaime and be with him forever.  
WarriorMaiden: I never thought I would say that about anyone, ever. But I am.  
WarriorMaiden: And even if I had doubts about the way I feel about him, which I don’t, I could never doubt the way he feels about me.  
WarriorMaiden: He practically announces it from the rooftops.   
WarriorMaiden: When we went to his cousin’s wedding over the summer, he introduced me as “Brienne Tarth, the love of my life.”   
WarriorMaiden: ...Every single time. It was more than a little embarrassing.   
WarriorMaiden: But I secretly liked it.  
WarriorMaiden: And I also know I, you know,  
WarriorMaiden: ... turn him on.  
WarriorMaiden: We watched the Miss Westeros pagaent and he made fun of all the contestants for being fake and dumb and ...uh, nothing happened, you know, down there.  
WarriorMaiden: But if I kiss his neck, things will stand right at attention.  
WarriorMaiden: If you know what I mean.  
WarriorMaiden: But it’s not all about the physical. I have the most fun when I’m with Jaime.   
WarriorMaiden: It’s fun when we make dinner, or sit on the couch watching a movie and it’s really fun when we work out, or ride horses or play handball. All of that.  
WarriorMaiden: He listens to me too. I told him all about my mom and my few memories of her. He told me about his, and his weird family relationships.  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, that was a little hard to handle at first, but I’m okay with it. That’s his past and his future is with me.  
WarriorMaiden: When I think of my perfect day, it’s with him, swordingfighting and watching movies and cooking dinner, and working out, and just being together.  
WarriorMaiden: He’s my Jaime and I want to grow old with him.  
WarriorMaiden: So it’s not weird that I’m more worried about Theon shouting out Tits in the middle of the ceremony or Marg and Tywin trying to force me into a dress than I am about getting married to Jaime?  
Unknown: A man wishes he’d logged off.


	7. Week 5, Saturday. The End.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wedding is announced.

TO: Every Single One of You Assholes  
FROM: IronIslandsBattleBabe  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 9:07 A.M.  
RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

Here’s the deal. Brienne is throwing a surprise wedding for Jaime today at their place today at 12:30. She’s shooing him out of the house to run errands and we are all supposed to show up there by no later than 12:15. So get your weaksauce, lame asses in gear. It’s wedding time.

Yarsha  
Kicking Fantasy Asses Since the ‘15 Season Started

一

FROM: CommissionerByRight  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 9:16 A.M.  
RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

Yarsha,

Davos and I are not assholes. I assume “weaksauce” is a portmanteau of some sort. However, if you’re cooking a sauce that seems weak, it’s probably too thin. I suggest you try adding cornstarch. 

As to the wedding, Davos and I will be attending.

Stannis Baratheon  
Your Fantasy Football League Commissioner

一

FROM: UKnowUWantMe  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 9:33 A.M.  
RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

barf puke spew, het weddings, ren says we have 2 go, so count us n. warning, we might bang n their closet, we owe them one

Loras  
My Hair Looks Amazing Today (Better Than Jaime's)

一

FROM: WardenWolf  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 9:37 A.M.  
RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

This is Catelyn using Ned’s email. Arya and Sansa say they already knew! Arya even packed a dress because she has a some deal with Jaime that he will pay her $100 to wear a dress to his wedding and an extra $100 if it’s pink. I do not approve. Sansa had a dress picked out as well. Gendry even brought a suit. It’s too tight across the shoulders, of course. That boy grows like a weed and he’s so fond of my cooking.

Anyway, I hope Brienne knows what she’s doing, marrying into the Lannister family. I support whatever makes her happy. Still...a Lannister. We will all be there. I do love weddings.

Catelyn

PS, Ned generally loathes weddings, but he’s secretly thrilled that he won’t have to attend the King’s Landing Artisan Quilting Bazaar today.

PPS, Arya wants to know if there will be cake.

一

FROM: BAMFLannister  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 9:43 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

Brienne Tarth is fortunate to be marrying into the Lannister line. I was well aware of their impending nuptials, although Olenna was incognizant. I am pleased to hear that the Stark offspring will be dressed appropriately. Olenna and I will both be attending.

Tywin Lannister  
Father-of-the-Groom

一

FROM: Evenstar  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 9:35 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

‘Course I knew about my girl’s wedding. And this Lannister fella better treat her right. Wear what you want. I know my Brienne doesn’t care about those things. She’s a special girl and this is her special day. I expect all of you to behave. Sending you all some youtube links to my favorite hits from my time playing college ball just to keep you in line.

Selwyn Tarth  
Bonecrushing-Father-of-the-Bride

一

FROM: iluvgilly  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 9:51 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

i knew abt the wedding 2! brie has asked that no one bring gifts and wanted me 2 let u know its open bar, she has arranged for taxis home and that she and jaime will be leaving at some point 4 their honeymoon, which is at a secret location even i don’t know.

so happy 4 them. Maybe they will be as happy as me n gilly!

Sam  
Loving Gilly/Relocating to Oldtown

一

FROM: KissedByFire  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 9:59 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

Are they really going to do it this time? I’m torn between wanting the best for Brienne and hoping for bloodshed. Jon says that’s the wildling in me, but he’s ready to record it on his phone just in case.

Ygritte  
Teaching Jon Snow a Few Things

一

FROM: SexViper  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 10:03 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

How fortunate that Ellaria and I are in King’s Landing. We do love a good wedding, especially purple ones. Perhaps we can convince the goddess Brienne to let us join them for the honeymoon.

Oberyn  
Your Champion

一

FROM: FertileNonagenarian  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 10:07 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

who r jaime n brienne? i luv a good weddin! will there b hot single bridesmaids?

Walder Frey  
Ruining Weddings Since Red Was a Color

一

FROM: LadyRose  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 10:13 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE :Lannister/Tarth Wedding

FUCK ME. How did I not know about this? How did my best friend in the whole fucking wide world keep her WEDDING a secret from me? What the hell? Honestly! Her wedding. I know she did this just to keep me from throwing her a bachelorette party. With strippers. Godsdammit! She steals all my fun. A wedding? I have to go through my closet to find something to wear. I hope there’s pie.

Margaery Tyrell  
I’m Going To Kill Her. And Cry.

一

FROM: SharkReek  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 10:16 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

dad says fuck weddings. uh...is someone laying odds this wedding goes like the 1st 2 surprise weddings? can i get in on that action? who had 2day in the pool?

Theon  
Reekin’ Out

一

FROM: PinkISPretty  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 10:25 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:Lannister/Tarth Wedding

ramsay says he didn’t get the email so hes not coming. roosie and i will be there, but marissa is a little colicky 2day and only wants her daddy’s cuddles. I don’t want 2 leave her w her brother, so we might not stay long. 

so happy for brienne and jaime! and excited about arya’s pink dress 2!

Walda Bolton  
I’m Bringing Prune Cupcakes

一

FROM: YoungWolf  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 10:31 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

speaking of prunes, bran has a little diarrhea, so we might not stay long either. i want in on the betting action though. who is gonna step up and ruin the wedding? (not me, i watched those bone crushing hits)

Robb Stark  
King of the Northern Fantasy Football Teams

一

FROM: URallAssholes  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 10:34 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

i knew tall chick was up 2 something. marg is all aflutter about what 2 wear and bitching abt not knowing.

on the wedding ruination front, btw selwyn and tywin, i wouldn’t try it. if it fucks up, it has to be on jaime and brienne alone, so not taking bets. but hey, we are talking bro and tall chick. they can fuck up anything

i cant tell who had today in the pool, my big board is at the office...fess up, assholes

Tyrion Lannister  
Betting Pool Master

一

FROM: Unknown  
TO: All  
DATE: October 10, 2015, 10:36 A.M.  
RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Lannister/Tarth Wedding

A man picks a date.  
A man wins a pool.

一

WarriorMaiden: Jaime, it’s 12:45. Where are you??  
Kingslayer: I decided to stop at the grocery and pick up snacks.  
WarriorMaiden: You were supposed to be here at 12:30pm!  
Kingslayer: I’ll be there soon. Chill, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: (*&(&^^((*_^*&*(_^&*(*&^%^&*(O)(*&%$  
Kingslayer: What? I am not going to be late for anything. Our plans were just to snuggle and watch a movie today. The fridge was kind of empty. If we stock up, we don’t even need to leave the house today.  
WarrriorMaiden: Argh!  
Kingslayer: Shush. I picked up those blue corn chips you like and there is a sale on ice cream, so I’m picking up a few gallons of that.  
Kingslayer: And they have a football cupcake tree. I should get that up too.  
WarriorMaiden: You were supposed to go to the bank, pick up the dry-cleaning, stop at the post office and then get my car detailed (stupid word) and I asked you to be back by 12:30!  
Kingslayer: Did all that. You really need to be more relaxed about time.  
Kingslayer: OoOOo, Lil Smokeys in BBQ sauce. And buffalo chicken dip. You like the extra spicy?  
WarriorMaiden: I like you to be home when you say you’re going to be home!  
Kingslayer: Do you need me, wench? Missing me?  
WarriorMaiden: My name is Brienne and just come home!  
Kingslayer: Got the buff dip. Should I stop in aisle 7 and see if there’s something fun in the ladies’ personal care section? Something...tingly..?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up and just come home. You’re ruining everything!  
Kingslayer: Wait.  
Kingslayer: Are you nagging me?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: You are, aren’t you?  
Kingslayer: You're nagging. How wifely! I like it. Do it again.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not nagging!  
WarriorMaiden: I just want you to come home.  
Kingslayer: Why is it so important that I come how now? Do you have a surprise for me?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: You do, don’t you?  
Kingslayer: I love surprises. What is it? Tell me!  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: Is it...a pony?  
WarriorMaiden: No. I did not get you a pony.  
Kingslayer: Is it...a trumpet?  
WarriorMaiden: Why would I get you a trumpet?  
Kingslayer: Is it ...a sock monkey?  
WarriorMaiden: You hate sock monkeys!  
Kingslayer: So an entire family of evil sock monkeys?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime! Stop being so ridiculous and come home.  
Kingslayer: Wait. Is it something kinky? Something not at all boring?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: Something special?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes. It’s very special. So forget the groceries. I just want you to come home to me.  
Kingslayer: :) As my wench commands. I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes.  
WarriorMaiden: Good.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: I love you.  
Kingslayer: I love you too. And I’m going to love my surprise.  
WarriorMaiden: I hope you will...I know you will.  
Kingslayer: I think I know what it is :)  
WarriorMaiden: And you’re okay with it?  
Kingslayer: Why wouldn’t I be? You are everything I want, everything I always wanted.  
WarriorMaiden: You’re everything I always wanted too. Now come home. :)

[WarriorMaiden has logged out of chat.]

Kingslayer: My wonderful, amazing, saucy wench. I know you’re at home waiting for me doing the Naked Woman. Well, serves you right because I’m going to strip in the garage and Naked Man my way into the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes...that's it. That's how it ends, with Brienne ready to say her vows and Jaime showing up naked.
> 
> Done. Over. Finito. Hecho. Fet. Gjort. Gwneud. Fertig. Gert. I mean it this time. This is the final installment.
> 
> Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments and support. It has been so lovely to interact with you all again. I've missed you.
> 
> This has been an amazing JBWeek. I love this fandom.


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